Un-choosing loneliness

Reinventing our conversation for joy

The ‘ew, people’ attitude has had its day hasn’t it? The internet’s meme factories endlessly churn out snark that seems to say real, deeply enjoyable life happens under a comforter in front of Netflix while your Doordash delivered food is sat at your door without speaking to another person. Even for an introvert like myself, it doesn’t exactly sound like enriching bliss for a warm-blooded mammal whose species has survived because of community. But ubiquitous lies work on us best in isolation, and I’m afraid the ills related to “chosen loneliness” are devilishly crafty.

And this isn’t some extroverted persuasion piece trying to get people out of their shells. The loneliness epidemic has been here for a few years; this is non-partisan. Earlier this year, America’s surgeon general launched an effort to combat the obvious epidemic of loneliness in the country. The fact of our loneliness is indisputable; correcting it has options.

The bottom line is we need people, and a big part of the soil of our interaction is conversation, and we can all get better at it.

Yeah, but ‘ew, people.’

Look, no matter our appetite for interacting with others communicating with people can be a source of enrichment and joyful flourishing. No really. But for the worth-challenged, it sounds impossible.

If we feel a lack of self-worth or have unhealthy ways of developing it, it likely informs our engagement with others. We may avoid it more than our personality prefers because it feels threatening or demanding. We may not notice it, but our conversation can be guarded, subtly (or not so subtly) competitive. It’s exhausting always to have to win a conversation to feel like your worth remains intact. That has nothing to do with introversion; it’s about worth.

In order to not feel threatened, we can prefer uniformity of opinion. While the social media echo chambers that algorithms create have set this up, the truth is, if we fear a difference of opinion, we must have little confidence in our own.

Sometimes our avoidance of communication comes from not wanting to appear unknowing. Ironically in the age where authenticity is esteemed, the axiom, fake it till you make it, is still nearly gospel. So, we may feel like we must be error-free. Everything we say, and don’t say, is intended to protect any knowledge blindspots or awareness deficiencies. To avoid being the person who hasn’t heard the latest, we might stay under the comforter saying “ew” to people out of fear as much as anything.

No safe topics

Put all this in the present era, and much of the potential joy and life-enriching aspects of interaction with our fellow humans can be hard to access. Even the outgoing with a good sense of their worth can be affected by the times we’re in. For a few years now, there’ve been fewer and fewer ‘safe’ topics. Covid masking, January 6th, racial unrest, it’s been a season that’s created safety in silence or avoidance.

Remaking our approach to conversation is a deep work of rebuilding things we’ve assumed are instinctual. You might be thinking: “I’m middle-aged; how could I possibly need to recreate how I communicate?” Ask yourself, “Am I moving toward where I want to be with my present communication?” If not, then reinvent. If we don’t like the results we’re getting, we must lift the hood on what’s creating them.

Dan Harris recently admitted to trying to be less dismissive. With our limited resources, we’ve been convinced we’re effective when quickly dismissing things and people. After all, our over-functioning selves feel more proficient if we never have a meandering conversation. But I contend I’ve felt most alive in them. At the end of each day, I relish the unfinished thought, the sketchy summation, the musing I can return to with someone.

Joyful conversation starters

Ingrid Fetell Lee laid out a handful of joyful conversation starters, and they can inspire us to have some adventure around our interaction. Our self-worth will become more robust.

Here’s one I love and am instantly adding to my repertoire of convo starters: If you could have a mediocre superpower, what would you choose?

I’d love to hear your answer in the comments, but my mediocre superpower would be never choking while taking a quick sip of water. Or always picking the right side of the blind cord to pull to raise the blinds. Or choosing the right lane of stalled traffic that will start moving first. When I think I have this one, my experience driving down I-95 south to the east coast shows me I don’t.

Check out her list here. And start climbing out from under the covers.

Be well, Feral Souls.