What does low self-worth look like? A shy, backward, self-doubting, feckless, and underachieving mess of a person? The traits we assume a person who lacks self-worth can be cartoonishly simple. And to be fair, these can be correct. But I want to warn you that there are some perfect disguises at the masquerade ball of daily performances.
Chelsea
Growing up, a friend’s mom had a bull-mastiff named Chelsea. If you’re unfamiliar with them, these are very large, visually intimidating dogs. Now, temperamentally, they’re often big babies. But if you’ve never seen one, your instinct is to protect yourself.
I don’t remember Chelsea ever barking. Ever. She didn’t have to. She was unthreatened by anything or anyone. At home in herself.
Compare her to my nearby neighbor’s dogs. Three tiny dogs on leads in the front yard to do their business a few times a day. For those fifteen minutes, they never shut up. It’s instant kennel sound effects from the moment they go out until they’re gathered in.
Why? I’m no dog psychologist, but I observe that they assert themselves because their hold on their territory feels fragile. They are in protection mode. They don’t want to be overlooked. Ever. Everything is a threat to their whole selves.
Now do people.
How many Chelsea’s do you know? Quiet, self-assured, and comfortable in themselves. Dogs not barking…er posting on social media for approval. Not territory marking. Not ensuring they’re never overlooked, even for a single instance. Not forever ensuring their opinion is heard and their preferences are known.
Now, how many little dogs do you know? Their and their kid's accomplishments are on show in carefully curated detail online; after all, you must see them; their worth depends on it. Whether in person or online, so much rides on every experience.
They lower everyone with criticism and judgment merely to get the room for their worth to get some air.
To see these yappy types we might decide: extrovert, big confidence, achievers, they know and announce who they are all the time. What swagger they possess! Self-worth isn’t their problem, over self-worth maybe.
Hold up. If they had self-worth, they wouldn’t be trying to prove it. Read that again.
The disguise
Many people with low self-worth show up trying to look like the exact opposite. They’re not comfortable within themselves, so they bark and show out. We read their disguise as who they are for real. We will go further and call that kind of thing disgusting over consideration of themselves. But if they had the worth they’re flaunting, would they be doing public relations every time you bump into them anywhere?
Everything is an exhausting game of “whatever you can do, I can do better” or “you’re good at that? I would never be interested in it.” They have to win contests they’re not even in by rolling their eyes at the others. Is that self-worth, or is that the sound of barking?
Look, we’re allowed to share details of our lives but check your motivation. If we have to win, even being more humble than others, it might be a symptom of work to be done. Do we have a sense of enoughness? Ever? Our bark may be trying to secure it.
I want to be gracious if you see some of this small dog instinct in your walk in the world. We’re trained our whole lives to bark.
Toddlers usually start very loving and caring. We hit school, and it’s a twelve-year slog through trying to win, place, or show — in literally everything. If we fail a bit, we attempt to win, place, or show in acting like we don’t care.
It’s what we do
So if you’re a barker or know one, this is more our discipling in everything because it’s what society rewards. It might be the only thing our parents ever rewarded. In a lot of cases, your success is your parent’s worth. A lot can be on the line for a whole family system. Better bark more.
Our discovery of these broken ways can be humbling. We might be out in the world in a particular way and not realize it. Sometimes, we think we have a personality, but it’s more a list of symptoms.
Little dog, big dog, feral soul, begin with your enoughness, your worth apart from being considered or achieving anything. And as we unpack that, we can see the exhausting charade we’ve been living in. We can become authentic people at ease in the unconditional love of our Creator.
Snore
One thing I did hear Chelsea do is snore. So wholly at rest, the world knew it. Not by her barking but by her resting. Be like Chelsea and Be Well, Feral Souls.