Hey there self-proclaimed introverts
Maybe it’s not JUST that you’re an introvert
I want to be careful here. So many people are deeply attached to the idea they are an introvert. It’s a personality group that has really, really found its voice. I hear their meekness roar through memes and passive-aggressive posts about how much they don’t like groups, gatherings, or in some cases, people, period.
I know my limits in changing minds. I won’t try to disrupt your attachment to being an introvert. However, I’d like to invite you to examine the degree to which you are introverted. These things are on a spectrum. The depth of your introversion might be enhanced or made more severe through a general struggle with self-worth.
For example, if you, like many people, reach your sense of self-worth through comparison, interaction with people will be more tiresome for you. Suppose you need to feel on par with whomever you’re engaging in conversation with. In that case, you will cycle through self-evaluation or maybe even restlessly search for the next conversational story, joke, or quip you can offer as a play for your value.
Win the dinner party.
There's a higher setting than just being on par with others. Some people need to be better than others to feel like they have arrived at their worth. It’s subtle, but once you pick up on it, you won’t be able not to notice the one-upmanship that conversations devolve into. I could blame the training in social media as some version of an everyday Christmas brag letter (remember those?), but I’ll leave the diagnosis to people smarter than me. I think we come by “the compare and compete for our worth” impulse naturally. Even our form of schooling, with its meritocracy as the way to be a better human, has established competition as the way to evaluate our worth.
If competing and comparing (even a bit) for our self-worth is where we find ourselves, we will undoubtedly expend mental energy at a higher rate. If we’ve been mentally or verbally jockeying for a decent finish at the dinner party, we will feel drained, and the next meet-up might mean we dread the contest even if we feel like we can win it. That dread and avoidance have nothing to do with being around people; it’s performance anxiety.
Let me tell you what I heard.
It’s not just having the best vacation to talk about. Even the matter of knowing or at least having heard of something news related becomes currency. I’ve been tempted to completely make up a story and watch a person I sense in a competitive self-worth spiral also claim to have read about it. I never have. Yet.
These aren’t villains.
The people who compare and compete their way to worth aren’t diabolical megalomaniacs with giant egos. They are people vying to matter in one of our most common human needs: self-worth. I have empathy for them. Not from afar, I am them. And I’m afraid it’s why many people wince at the prospect of going out, initiating contact, or maybe even replying to a text. If we have to win or feel equal with each exchange, wading into the fray is hazardous. We might feel it’s best to double down on our introversion.
There’s hope
Introversion and our sense of self-worth are not factory settings. We are not doomed to live out our days with who we are now. Ever. Evaluate your impulses with self-compassion, and next time you feel an inner nudge to climb a conversation ladder, take a deep breath and know you have worth already. The room might feel less perilous if we know our worth is intact no matter what happens.
Be well, Feral Souls.